Okay so the problem here is that the only other section that I have a rough cut of, I didn't make any changes to because it's just me introducing my interviewees. So what I'm going to do here is tell you what I changed, post the edited section, and then give a general description of what the section was like before so that you can get a better sense of the changes.
1. I added a LOT more detail. And most of this detail was reasons why what I was talking about matters. I think it's more effective than it was before because I remember in class talking about that it's important to say why the listener should care, and they definitely should because what I'm talking about relates directly to their demographic. I also referenced a recent event, the Flint water crisis, which shows that 1. I'm up on current events and 2. I can effectively compare (or really contrast rather) the two issues.
2. The form didn't really change other than it became longer and more persuasive if you will, which I think is totally important and makes the reader care.
Here's what the rough cut didn't have:
- Reference to Flint water crisis
- Emphasis that college prices are an ongoing issue
- Reference to middle and lower class family struggles
- Summary of emotional plus logical appeals
- Emphasis that most people don't have college fully paid for in some way or another
- Reference to economy and how it's hurting the families that have to pay
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